First, let me introduce myself. My name is Kristin Mattocks and my partner and I are the parents of two young children. We first became parents over four years ago, when I gave birth to the first of our two daugthers. Both of us have good jobs at universities, and neither of us have experienced much in the way of stigma or discrimination because we are lesbians.
That changed dramatically about six months ago. We decided to move to a bigger house to accomodate our growing family, and found a nice house in the northern part of Hamden that seemed perfect. The house is located on a small cul-de-sac with only three other houses, and the house directly across the cul-de-sac from us is occupied by a family with twin boys the same age as our older daughter. Those twin boys, and that family, would provide a perfect entree into this new neighborhood, we thought, and envisioned lots of playdates.
This has not been the case. In fact, once this family realized that we are a lesbian family, we have become invisible to them. They refuse to let their kids play with our kids, citing excuses ranging from impending playdates to god-knows-what else. Their twins have told our daughter that their mother will not allow her in their house (our daughter is 4--imagine the moral damage she could cause). They don't say hello when we are both outside, and their older kids (junior-high age) sit outside with their friends and laugh and point at our kids.
Obviously, this has been a tremendous blow to our family. The decision to move to a new house and a new neighborhood is not easily reversible, and we often wonder what the future will bring with this family. The neighborhood we had moved away from was multi-ethnic, multi-generational, and largely blue collar. Though we were the only lesbian folks around, we were readily accepted in the neighborhood and felt enormously comfortable there. The decision to move was based on the size, and condition, of the house we were living in.
This experience, combined with my oft-repeated phrase "we don't really know any gay or lesbian families with kids", has motivated me to want to start to form some connections with other gay and lesbian families in Connecticut. Not only do I want my daughters to see that there are other families like ours, but I also want to start a conversation in Connecticut regarding acceptance of kids with GLBT parents. Connecticut does great on some issues, like promotion of marriage equality. I can't say enough about Love Makes a Family, and all the great advocacy and policy work they've done over the years.
And yet, when I asked several friends about whether they knew of any group (at least in the New Haven area) that could serve as a ground zero, of sorts, for gay and lesbian-headed families, nobody could come up with anything. I'm beginning to wonder how we can change minds about the acceptance of kids from queer families if we don't act together as parents to accomplish this change.
I'm calling this the Connecticut Community Project because I really do think it will be a work in progress, and I want the work to include not only the queer parenting community (if there is one), but also extend its reach, eventually, to impact the straight parenting community. My intention is not for it to be a support group for parents, per se, but rather a place for queer families to come together to socialize, network, share stories and solutions, and make Connecticut a better place for our kids.
Its still very much a work in progress, but at least its a start. I have some loose ideas and goals for how to move forward. I'd love to hear your feedback (post in comments section at the end of this post). Hopefully this is something we can get off the ground in the next couple of weeks.
Goals/Ideas:
1. The first thing I need to do is get the word out there to queer parents in Connecticut. Please, if you know somebody who might be interested in joining us, or at least hearing about what we're doing, have them email me so I can add them to our email distribution list.
2. As much as possible, I think we should keep it light, fun, and focused on the kids to start. I'd love to plan some informal gatherings to start, but would like it to eventually blossom into a once-a-month activity that people can do together (or more often, if folks are interested). Perhaps outings to Mystic Aquarium, the beach, Lake Compounce, the zoo would be great family things we could do together. I could also forsee occasional sans-kids nights, like parent dinners together or a play or some other artsy-fartsy thing like that.
3. In the longer term, I'd like to see us as a resource to queer families. Perhaps we can put together a series of resources regarding schools, teachers, or some other common needs that queer parents may have when thinking of parenting their children. I'm still a little fuzzy on this aspect of things, but I think this will develop over time according to people's wants and needs.
4. Above all else, this group should serve as an opportunity to get together with other families like ours. I don't want my kids to think they are alone in having two mommies (though at this point, they know of no other kids that have two mommies or two daddies). I want to change that.
5. I know I can't change our neighbors minds, but I would love to work with others to come up with solutions that will make our neighborhoods work. I'm not sure there any, but I'm sure that greater minds than mine have thought this through.
Anyway, let me know what your ideas are, and pass this along to other queer families in Connecticut (they don't have to be in the greater New Haven area). Feel free to email me at kristinmattocks@yahoo.com with ideas or suggestions.
I think that we can really make a difference here.
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